obsessed

On Friday, Stephen Curry, a professor at Imperial College and avid blogger on Nature Network turned projectionist. He invited students, staff and friends for a screening of the film Naturally Obsessed, an hour-long documentary of the development of three graduate students in Larry Shapiro's lab at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center in New York City.

The film is one of the few that dive into the murky waters of lab life and show it how it is, accurately but in an amusing and entertaining way. The daily struggle of the three students, with their projects but also the ramifications of their decision to start grad school in the first place, are depicted vividly, and both resonated with me. I still remember the days when the degree was the only light at the end of a dark tunnel, when the only thing that kept me going was the insight that if I quit, I'd walk away with nothing.

What's more, I still work in a structural biology lab like Shapiro's, and what makes life hard for the film's protagonists makes life hard for me as well. Things don't work most of the time. Constructs have to be recreated slightly differently, crystallization conditions modified, instrument settings tweaked – all in the hope of overcoming the string of failures stretching on for too long. When you're after a structure, there's really not much on the way that can be passed off as a result and not much that can be shown for the effort.

The filmmakers' idea of a scientist are in the film's title. One has to be obsessed to be successful is the implied message. Without obsession, one will sooner or later find alternative outlets for one's talents and energy. Academic science may be hugely attractive for its freedom and the congeniality of most participants, but it's also forbidding for poor remuneration and cruel pressure. One must push ahead single-mindedly and without respite, to stave off the competition and advance one's career. Most great discoveries are made outside the lab – because great scientists are maniacs that think of science continuously and never let go. They're in it with passion and with obsession.

I'm doubtful that I'm filled with the same passion, that I strive obsessively, and I'm unsure whether I've got what it takes to succeed in the lab. On the other hand, I enjoy my work immensely. The implicit creative aspect of choosing a baffling question and then prying an answer from it with whatever tool seems appropriate (and with those that don't if nothing else is left) is extremely gratifying. The rush of discovery when a vexing problem seems one step closer to being solved is exhilarating. It's hard to really want to do anything else, to mount a credible campaign aimed at a job outside academia.

The movie's expounding of the (frequently hidden) beauty of doing science had a profound effect on me, but one that I can't really put in words. The film hadn't emptied buckets of motivation over me. I hadn't seen role models that I couldn't wait to emulate. In fact, the dropping out of academic science of two of the movie's protagonists made me rather contemplative. But I walked back to the lab with an optimistic bounce after the showing, and I approached my bench with renewed verve. Some important discovery was waiting for me, patiently sitting in the dark and resisting my efforts only to draw the best out of me.

When I was finally done with the last experiment, the clock nearing nine, I took the tube over to Piccadilly Circus and ambled down to the Royal Academy of Arts where the doors of the Anish Kapoor exhibition were being readied for their final closure. Bypassing a winding line of hopeful prospective visitors, I squeezed in, picking up a ticket booked over the phone. It was almost midnight when I left, filled with visual excess and out of breath. A long day had finally come to an end.

On the bus home, I let the hours pass through my mind again. I don't think I'm obsessed, but I relish intensity. Living a full life is unfortunately unlikely to turn me into a successful scientist. But it's fun, and what better reason can there be to keep going?